Over the past 12 years I have been dedicated to healing my own trauma & developing myself as a spiritually conscious heart-centred man. The pivotal moment in my life came 3 months away from my 30th birthday when on my knees from alcohol addiction I finally called out for help. From this point on, the unfolding of my true authentic self has been a most liberating process. I have faced many fears and overcome, to find a deep resounding inner peace. It's not been easy.

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For so much of my life I was driven blindly by selfish desires, engulfed in craving, anger and confusion. The disease of more plagued me and I was deeply sad. The belief that I was not good enough as I am was what drove this. Whatever I did was always underpinned by a sense of dissatisfaction and so I was always chasing something external to try and feel 'good enough.' Can you relate?

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My childhood was fairly normal as upbringings go. I was a deeply sensitive boy and my parents worked hard in their careers to provide for myself and my brother and sister. Today, I deeply empathise with the huge effort of my parents to bring 3 children up while working at the same time. Most of my life I did not empathise though, I was angry. I took their busyness and attention to their careers to mean that I am not loved. That I was not good enough to receive their attention. Of-course the truth is that they were doing the best they could with what they had. I resented them for years and found shelter in the unconscious belief that I was not loved or loveable. This couldn't be further from the truth. But the sensitive boy in me was in the drivers seat. Trapped in a defensive cage I had built to protect myself from the world, to protect me from being hurt. And so I was all alone in my own little bubble. It was safe there, or at least I thought.

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With countless hours sat in AA meetings, working the 12 steps, thousands of hours in therapy and coaching, I began to learn to love myself, step by step. I learned to meditate and trained as a therapist. Life was going well in the main but this deep residing sense of unhappiness still lay dormant to some extent in my gut, in my soul. Then came the stomach tumour which floored me physically and emotionally. What came next I could of never imagined.

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Grief. Sadness like I had never known before. See I had always struggled to feel my emotions, especially joy and grief. The tumour made it such that my whole body came back on line. I experienced a somatic breakdown of the defences that the boy within me had built in the body. Everything was back online and nothing could be hid from anymore. I had a choice. Take my healing to the next level or dwell deeply in the depression of the boy that had been avoided for nearly 40 years. And so the self-work became deeper and deeper. Mornings were hard, truly hard. Some days I would awake in tears and learned to meet myself in the mirror to see myself in the depths of my fragility. I learned to be gentle with myself gradually and allowed myself the space to be in the depths of the grief and sadness.

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Many guides and support came my way from this point on in the form of my partner, men's coaches, breathwork practices, yoga practice, deeper meditation, chanting, men's groups and men's work and more. I had to find a way to soothe my nervous system and heal my somatic traumas deeply. Things gradually began to get easier, while I continued to show up as best I could in all areas of my life. Still serving my clients throughout my transformation as best I could and taking time off when I needed to. What was happening was a deep journey home to my heart. The creative loving heart of the boy within me that yearned to be seen and heard, that yearned to KNOW he was loved. So I showed the boy. I showed all parts of myself that I have always been loved for I am the embodiment of love. This has been my greatest hero's journey to date and I feel I have grown into the authentic man I always desired to be.

 

Pain has been my greatest teacher. Both physical, emotional and spiritual. Pain is what enables me to serve my clients so deeply. It is my desire for you to love yourself truly and deeply. So I am dedicated to serving you to find your way there. It is your birthright to feel whole in your soul. This work is challenging but deeply beautiful and completing. It is deeply transformational.

 

It is an honour to still be here to serve you. I pray it continues for some time and that our paths meet in the depth of your heart that is awakened to it's fullest.

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Ewan 

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